What motivates me?

Opened my Ask.FM inbox this evening and found a new question that really got me thinking and felt inspired to post about it here. It was a question about what motivates me to work out. But in total, I'd like to blog about what motivated me to not only work out, dress up and cause major changes in my image throughout the years. 

As a child, I haven't always been the prettiest and cutest girl around but because of the comments that my parents' friends gave me all the time, I honestly thought I didn't look that bad when I actually did. When I was in Primary Five, I dated a boy who crushed my heart. Twice. It was puppy love. The first time, he left me for another girl because he told me that he liked her, and we were in the same class. The second time, he asked for me back; only because he couldn't get the girl that he wanted. At the end of Primary Six, I was devastated because I really, really liked him yet he turned out to be a total douche. 

I knew I looked bad then, but because I had a "stead", I thought I had hope. (LOL)

So when I entered New Town Secondary School still looking like that and there were guys who were genuinely interested in me (or not), I felt flattered. I thought I was really bad-looking compared to the girls who were around me because my class had so many pretty girls back then. I accepted almost every guy who wanted to be with me which resulted in me having 4 "relationships" in 2007. To be honest, I never really liked any of them but because I was so flattered and some of them were really nice, I just accepted them but we always broke up a week or some even few days later.

I mean seriously, if you looked like this and had guys hitting on you, wouldn't you be flattered as well?! So slowly, my ego boosted (slightly) and I thought I looked not too bad. And I fell for a guy. Not really, fell, but just had a crush. He wasn't the nicest guy around and he wasn't particularly handsome. If anything, he was a real douche bag. But you know how girls like to go for douche bags, right? So yes, I went for him. And my heart broke, because he told his friends and laughed about me behind my back, saying that I wasn't particularly pretty enough for his standards. In other terms, (which his friend told me about years later), he thought I was ugly. I gave up and distanced myself away from him as a friend because he teased me around and rejected me even though I really liked hanging with him and his friends with my close girl friend back then.

That was when, I decided to start dressing up. I decided that I had to start changing my image and that I could look better.

And I met my Primary School douche bag of a boyfriend up (I still tease him to this day) and we ended up being good friends, one of my only close primary school friends left actually.

I started wearing contacts first, and then I started wearing eye-liner which was introduced to me by Felicia in late Secondary 2. 

 This is why I swore never to cut bangs again. It makes me look like a fucking fishball.
Or maybe I was just plump-er.

But somehow in 2 months I look slim again? Lol. 

So anyway after that, I've had my fair share of another douche before I realized that I had to break people's hearts some time. Because if it wasn't for him and that incident, I wouldn't be so traumatized for life, lol. I was honestly clueless and afraid and thinking back, I really didn't deserve what happened because I just innocently genuinely thought he really wanted me back with no leftover strings from his past relationship. Turns out I was wrong. Lol. 

This is me in Secondary 4, where I look most like I how I look now. But I still never once thought that I was pretty enough, good enough for anyone because I kept meeting boys who constantly broke my heart and vice versa; I also broke theirs because I guess I just wasn't mature enough back then to handle those relationships. It was terrible. We were a bunch of kids just trying to figure out, what love actually was. 

I was broken and sewn up so many times that I just had one goal in mind; to look better for myself each setback, to make them regret that they lost what they could've had. I never liked the attention that I caught for myself ever since and I never liked standing the spotlight. I was flattered that people even gave compliments in terms of my dressing and I'm always very very appreciative for those comments :') When guys whom rejected me or laughed about me in the past came on Facebook and talked to me, I would feel like "what the fuck, you're talking to me now after how you treated me in the past just cz I look different? fuck you very much" and I wouldn't even bother replying most of the time and if I could I would even delete them because they are SO fucking superficial. 

So recently, after I broke up with my past boyfriend Rifat, I realised that I was eating way too much during our rs and had put on a bit of weight (cz he fed me well LOL :3), baby fat here and there and desperately wanted to lose all of them in terms of that cycle again. I didn't manage to lose weight though, instead I got toned because I did way more toning exercises than cardio and I appreciate the body that I have now. I might not be skinny, I might not have the thigh gap that I used to have, but I like the way my legs and gigantic butt look. (LOL) 

Looking good isn't just about losing weight, it's about feeling good about yourself. I like the way I feel now. If you're slightly rounder and you feel good with yourself, then just dress up, feel comfortable in your own skin and eat whatever you want. Eating is happiness ^~^ I know of girls who are slightly rounder yet are still pretty, it's just the way you dress and the way you present yourself! :)

Please do not lose hope!!! IF I CAN LOOK LIKE THAT AND LOOK SO MUCH BETTER LIKE, 4 YEARS LATER... YOU CAN TOO!!! LOL. Start with little changes, especially hair. HAIR IS SO IMPORTANT! Growing out a fringe, trying out make up, trying to dress according to your body shape (whatever suits you is v impt, dont just follow trends), trying out contacts, etc etc. Best of luck!!

I'm sorry if you read all the way till the end lol it's so long... I just wanted something to look back on, that all you fucking douchebags who rejected ugly girls in the past but are trying for the same girl now, y'all can fuck off trololol. Ok bai.